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Newsletter No. 162
Published 4 months ago • 20 min read
This week's Insights Newsletter examines whether AI can truly understand emotion, why your personality might be holding you back, and the surprising winner in the battle between experience and youth in leadership. Plus, exclusive content on emotional minimalism and why rescue leadership might be micromanagement's sneaky cousin—insights you won't find anywhere else.
INSIGHTS
Newsletter No. 162
Good morning. Each morning you have two choices: hit snooze or hit reset. One keeps you asleep… the other wakes up your potential.
This is a sneak peek of this week’s Deep Dives article — published today! Become a Deep Dives Member to get access to the full article.
AI is becoming more human-like by the day—but can it ever truly understand emotion, or is it just mimicking what it sees? In this Deep Dive, we explore the fascinating intersection of artificial intelligence and emotional intelligence: what machines can replicate, what they can’t, and why the difference matters more than ever. If you're intrigued by the future of human-AI interaction, this one’s for you.
This is a sneak peek of this week’s Deep Dives article — published today! Become a Deep Dives Member to get access to the full article.
“I’m just not that kind of person.” Sound familiar? We all carry identity stories—labels and beliefs we’ve adopted over time. But what if those stories are more limiting than liberating? In this provocative Deep Dive, we explore the psychology behind self-narratives and why clinging to a fixed personality might be the very thing holding you back.
This is a sneak peek of this week’s Deep Dives article — published today! Become a Deep Dives Member to get access to the full article.
In a world obsessed with speed, disruption, and innovation, is experience still an advantage—or is youth the new power play? In this compelling Deep Dive, we pit wisdom against agility to uncover what truly gives leaders an edge in today’s fast-moving world. The answer might surprise you—and shift how you think about leadership, age, and the pace of progress.
This is a sneak peek of this week's Deep Dives Book Review — published today! Become a Deep Dives Memberto get access to the full Book Summary.
What do the most exceptional leaders have in common—and how can you become one of them? In this data-rich Deep Dive, we unpack the 12 surprisingly practical (and often overlooked) habits that set Unicorn leaders apart—from lightning-fast responsiveness to radical self-awareness and proactive problem-solving. Based on insights from over 30,000 executive interviews, this isn’t leadership theory—it’s the blueprint for breakthrough performance.
Can You Fake Emotional Intelligence? The Rise of EQ Theater in Modern Workplaces
Let’s talk about emotional intelligence—the golden child of modern leadership.
You know the buzzwords: empathy, vulnerability, self-awareness, active listening. In today’s workplace, these aren’t just soft skills—they’re the whole package. Companies are hiring for it. Managers are evaluated on it. Leaders are expected to embody it. And honestly? That’s a good thing.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth nobody really talks about: you can fake it. And a lot of people do.
Welcome to the age of EQ Theater—where emotional intelligence is often more performance than principle, more posturing than presence.
🎭 What Is EQ Theater?
EQ Theater is when someone acts emotionally intelligent—saying the right things, nodding at the right moments, using just enough empathy-laced language to seem self-aware—without actually being emotionally intelligent.
Think of it like this:
Saying “I hear you” while secretly writing your next Slack message.
Holding a “listening circle” and then ignoring the feedback.
Dropping Brené Brown quotes in meetings while never owning your mistakes.
Scheduling 1:1s and checking a culture box, not building trust.
It looks like emotional intelligence. It sounds like emotional intelligence. But it doesn’t feel like emotional intelligence.
Why? Because true EQ isn’t what you say—it’s how you show up when it’s hard.
How Did We Get Here?
EQ wasn’t always center stage. Back in the industrial era, nobody cared if the factory boss could regulate his emotions or give effective feedback. But as work became more collaborative, creative, and relational, the importance of EQ skyrocketed.
Daniel Goleman’s 1995 book Emotional Intelligence put it on the map. Research followed, showing that EQ is more predictive of success than IQ in many jobs. Suddenly, companies started hiring “for attitude, not aptitude.”
And that’s when the scriptwriting began.
Workplaces started training people in emotional intelligence—but not always embodying it. Leaders were told to "be vulnerable,” “ask open-ended questions,” and “validate emotions,” often without understanding the why behind the what.
The result? A rise in surface-level EQ—all style, no substance.
Real EQ vs. Performed EQ: What’s the Difference?
Let’s break it down.
What Real EQ Feels Like
Presence. You’re being with the person, not managing the moment.
Ownership. You admit fault without defensiveness.
Curiosity. You ask questions you don’t already think you know the answers to.
Discomfort Tolerance. You stay calm when things get heated, uncertain, or vulnerable.
What Performed EQ Looks Like
Scripted Empathy. “I can totally see how that would be frustrating”... but your tone says, “wrap it up.”
Non-apology Apologies. “I’m sorry you feel that way,” not “I messed up.”
Optics Over Impact. More time crafting the DEI email than building a psychologically safe team.
Emotional Weaponry. Using phrases like “I feel unheard” to shut down opposing views.
At its worst, performed EQ becomes a form of emotional manipulation—a polished tool used to manage perception, avoid accountability, or silence dissent under the guise of being “relational.”
The Fallout: When People Feel Played
Here’s the kicker: most people can tell when they’re being EQ’d instead of heard.
Employees don’t need you to cry in meetings or give TED Talk-level pep speeches. But they can sniff out inauthenticity like a bloodhound. They know when your “check-ins” are more about HR compliance than real care. They know when your “empathy” is a tactic, not a trait.
And the damage runs deep:
Trust Erodes. People begin to question what’s real and what’s theater.
Engagement Plummets. According to Gallup, only 23% of employees worldwide are engaged. Performative EQ doesn’t fix that—it fuels cynicism.
Burnout Rises. When people feel emotionally manipulated or unheard beneath layers of polite performance, it wears them down.
“People don’t leave companies—they leave managers.” — Marcus Buckingham
Add “emotionally intelligent” managers who are actually disconnected underneath the polish? That exit door swings wide open.
So… Why Do People Fake It?
Because real emotional intelligence is hard.
It requires inner work. You can’t just read Dare to Lead and call it a day. You have to:
Learn how to sit with discomfort.
Rewire your reactions.
Practice empathy when you’re tired, stressed, or under pressure.
Admit when you’re wrong—and do it before someone forces your hand.
It’s no wonder people reach for the script instead of the soul.
But there’s another layer: EQ has become performative because we reward the performance.
In interviews, we reward the polished communicator. In meetings, we reward the person who speaks in coaching language—even if they never follow through. We’ve made EQ a box to check, a competency to display—not a way of being.
How to Spot—and Stop—EQ Theater
Whether you're leading a team or trying to lead yourself, here’s how to cut through the performance:
No. 1 — Watch for congruence.
Do their words match their actions? Does “I care about feedback” actually lead to changed behavior?
No. 2 — Look for humility, not polish.
True emotional intelligence is often messy. It includes stumbling, apologizing, recalibrating. Beware the leader who’s too smooth.
No. 3 — Ask real questions.
“What's something I’ve done that made your job harder?” That kind of vulnerability can’t be faked. And the answers will tell you who’s performing and who’s growing.
No. 4 — Train for inner work, not outer performance.
If you're doing EQ training, focus on self-awareness, triggers, boundaries—not just reflective listening and body language. Go deeper.
No. 5 — Create a culture that values sincerity over script.
Celebrate the person who fumbles through a real apology over the one who nails the right phrasing but avoids responsibility.
Emotional Intelligence Isn’t a Costume—It’s a Commitment
Look, emotional intelligence isn’t about being nice. It’s about being authentic, accountable, and emotionally present—even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially then.
It’s not about perfect phrasing. It’s about deepening connection. It’s not about looking good. It’s about doing good. It’s not about seeming emotionally intelligent. It’s about becoming someone who is.
In the end, the best emotional intelligence doesn’t happen on a stage. It happens in quiet moments—when no one’s watching, no one’s scoring, and you choose to show up anyway.
QUICK READ — PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
Emotional Minimalism: Declutter Your Inner World for Peace and Clarity
We talk a lot about decluttering these days.
Decluttering your closet. Your desk. Your inbox. Your pantry.
But you know what almost never makes the list?
Your emotional world.
Your inner life—thoughts, feelings, reactions, assumptions—is just as prone to clutter as your garage. And often, it’s messier. Why? Because emotional clutter doesn’t make noise when you walk by it. It just quietly weighs you down. It fogs your thinking, frays your focus, and hijacks your peace.
Enter emotional minimalism—the art of letting go of the thoughts, narratives, and emotional habits that no longer serve you.
It's not about feeling less. It’s about feeling cleaner.
What Is Emotional Clutter, Anyway?
You know that feeling when you walk into a chaotic room and instantly feel overwhelmed? Emotional clutter does the same thing—except the mess is internal.
Emotional clutter can look like:
Replaying old arguments on loop.
Worrying about things you can’t control.
Holding onto outdated guilt or shame.
Saying “yes” out of obligation instead of desire.
Carrying other people’s emotions like they’re your own.
It’s the invisible to-do list in your mind that never stops growing. The mental tabs you forgot to close. The grudge you're still carrying because you don’t want to look like the one who “let it go first.”
Emotional clutter pretends to be productive. It convinces you that if you ruminate long enough, worry hard enough, or please people well enough, you’ll finally feel calm.
Spoiler: You won’t.
Enter Emotional Minimalism
Emotional minimalism is the practice of choosing clarity over chaos in your internal world. It’s the mindset that says:
“I don’t have to hold on to every emotion just because I felt it.”
“I don’t need to engage every thought that enters my mind.”
“I can be emotionally present without being emotionally buried.”
In other words, emotional minimalism is about curation.
Just like minimalism in your home doesn’t mean “own nothing,” emotional minimalism doesn’t mean “feel nothing.”
It means intentionally filtering what you give your energy, attention, and emotional bandwidth to.
And when you do that? You free up room for what really matters: peace, connection, creativity, and calm.
The Cost of Emotional Clutter
We often treat emotional overload like a badge of honor.
“I’m just under a lot of pressure right now.”
“I have so much on my plate.”
“I’m juggling a million things.”
But that low-grade hum of stress isn’t just uncomfortable—it’s toxic. According to the American Psychological Association, chronic stress (which emotional clutter feeds) is linked to higher risk of anxiety, depression, heart disease, and even a shortened lifespan.
Your nervous system wasn’t designed to carry 72 open emotional tabs at once.
And you don’t get extra points for trying.
How to Practice Emotional Minimalism
Ready to create some space in your head and heart? Here’s where to start:
No. 1 — Audit Your Emotional Inbox
Just like you triage your email, start triaging your thoughts. Ask:
Does this thought need my attention right now?
Is this feeling based in the present or pulled from the past?
Am I carrying someone else’s emotion as if it were mine?
If a thought or feeling is outdated, irrelevant, or just taking up space, archive it. You don’t need to solve every emotion. Some just need to be observed and released.
“You don’t have to believe everything you think.” — Allan Lokos
No. 2 — Set Emotional Boundaries (Even With Yourself)
Boundaries aren’t just for others. They’re also for the inner stories that wear you down.
Set time limits on worry. ("I’ll give this 10 minutes, then move on.")
Postpone self-criticism. ("That thought isn’t helpful right now.")
Notice when you’re emotionally “doom-scrolling” your own life.
Create mental guardrails. Honor your emotional bandwidth like a precious resource—because it is.
No. 3 — Declutter Your Obligations
Many of our emotional messes start with the word yes.
Yes to helping when you’re burned out. Yes to projects that drain your joy. Yes to people who don’t respect your time or energy.
Minimalists declutter their spaces by asking: “Do I love this? Do I need this?” Ask the same about your commitments: “Does this light me up or wear me down?”
Minimalism isn’t selfish. It’s selective. And in a world that constantly demands more of you, choosing less is a radical act of self-respect.
No. 4 — Let Go of the “Emotional Museum”
You don’t need to hold on to every old wound like it’s a trophy in your emotional museum.
Yes, that betrayal hurt. Yes, you wish you’d spoken up sooner. Yes, you wish things had turned out differently.
But dragging it into every new situation is like bringing a suitcase to the dinner table. It doesn’t feed you. It just gets in the way.
Minimalism means letting the past have a resting place—not a starring role.
No. 5 — Create Emotional White Space
White space in design is the empty space that allows the eye to rest. Without it, everything feels cluttered, chaotic, overwhelming.
You need that same space inside.
Build moments of silence into your day.
Don’t jump from meeting to meeting without a breath.
Don’t fill every minute with noise—music, podcasts, texts, scrolling.
White space is where insight, creativity, and clarity live. And it’s where your nervous system can finally exhale.
Emotional Minimalism Is a Lifestyle, Not a Life Hack
This isn’t about detaching from feelings or becoming emotionally cold. It’s about intentional emotional hygiene.
Emotional minimalism says:
You don’t have to feel everything deeply to feel it meaningfully.
You don’t need to respond to every trigger.
You can value emotional depth without drowning in emotional noise.
The goal isn’t numbness—it’s clarity.
“Clutter is not just the stuff on your floor—it’s anything that stands between you and the life you want to be living.” — Peter Walsh
And that includes emotional clutter.
Less Noise, More Peace
Your emotional world is yours to design.
You can fill it with every notification, every grievance, every demand, every memory, every what-if…
Or you can choose to clear the space. To simplify. To be still. To listen for what actually matters.
Because when the clutter fades, what’s left is something astonishing:
Peace.
Not because everything is perfect. But because you’ve stopped carrying what you were never meant to hold.
That’s the quiet power of emotional minimalism.
QUICK READ — LEADERSHIP
The Language of Leadership: What Your Vocabulary Says About Your Style
Let’s get one thing straight: leadership isn’t just about vision, strategy, or KPIs.
It’s also about words.
The words you choose—how you ask questions, give feedback, rally a team, or respond under pressure—are telling a story about your leadership style, whether you realize it or not. Your vocabulary is more than just a communication tool. It’s a mirror of your mindset.
And the people around you? They're picking up on it.
Every. Single. Day.
Language Isn’t Just How You Lead—It Is How You Lead
Leadership is 90% communication and 10% calendar management, let’s be honest. You don’t move people by position—you move them by message. And language, like body language, is packed with unconscious cues.
Think about the difference between these phrases:
“Why did this happen?” vs. “What can we learn from this?”
“You should have done it this way” vs. “Walk me through your thinking.”
“That won’t work” vs. “Let’s explore that idea together.”
Technically, they might address the same issue. But the tone, the intent, and the impact? Completely different.
One shuts down curiosity. The other opens the door to collaboration. One reflects fear or control. The other, empowerment.
As the saying goes, “Words create worlds.” And if you’re leading a team, a brand, or even a dinner table—you’re always creating something.
What Your Vocabulary Is Saying About You
Here’s what research and observation show us about different linguistic leadership styles—and what they signal to your team.
No. 1 — The “Command and Control” Leader
These leaders rely on directive language: short, sharp, decisive.
Words like:
“Immediately”
“You need to”
“I expect”
“No excuses”
“That’s final”
This style can be effective in high-stakes situations—think military, ER, crisis response. But used too often, it communicates authority over autonomy. It signals: "I’m not here to collaborate—I’m here to dictate.”
Outcome? Teams become passive, risk-averse, and afraid to speak up. Innovation dies on the vine.
No. 2 — The “Coaching” Leader
This leader uses inquiry-based language. They ask more than they tell.
“What’s your take?”
“What’s another way to approach this?”
“How can I support you?”
“What would success look like here?”
This style builds trust, ownership, and accountability. It invites people into problem-solving instead of assigning blame.
And it’s backed by science: research from Gallup shows that managers who ask empowering questions—rather than micromanage—see higher team engagement and performance.
No. 3 — The “Empathetic” Leader
This leader uses emotionally attuned language:
“That sounds tough.”
“I appreciate your honesty.”
“Let’s pause and reflect.”
“I’m here with you.”
It’s not about being soft. It’s about being real.
Empathetic language builds psychological safety. Google’s famous Project Aristotle study found that teams with high psychological safety—where people feel safe to take risks and be vulnerable—are the most effective. Empathetic leaders speak in a way that creates that safety.
No. 4 — The “Buzzword Leader”
Oh, you’ve met this one.
“Let’s circle back.”
“We need to shift the paradigm.”
“This initiative will leverage our core competencies and drive synergistic outcomes.”
This style screams: “I want to sound smart.” But it often masks insecurity or lack of clarity.
If your team can’t tell what you’re saying, they won’t tell you when something’s wrong. Simplicity is powerful. As Einstein said:
“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.”
Avoid the jargon salad. Speak like a human.
Language Reveals Mindset
Leadership language doesn’t just influence how others perceive you. It reveals what’s going on inside you.
Are you curious or judgmental? Your questions will tell.
Are you outcome-focused or people-focused? Your priorities leak through your phrasing.
Are you leading from ego or purpose? Listen to how often you say “I” vs. “we.”
And let’s talk about pronouns for a second.
When things go well, do you say:
“I did this,” or “We pulled this off”?
And when things go sideways:
“You dropped the ball,” or “Let’s figure out what went wrong”?
It matters. Teams listen. They remember. And they build (or lose) trust accordingly.
The Micro-Moments That Make Macro Impact
Leadership language doesn’t just live in speeches and all-hands meetings. It lives in the micro-moments:
How you open your Zoom call.
How you respond when someone disagrees with you.
How you ask for a deadline.
How you thank—or forget to thank—someone who worked overtime.
Those small words? They add up.
In fact, a study by MIT Sloan found that leaders who consistently used inclusive and supportive language saw a 25% increase in team collaboration over time.
People remember how you make them feel. And how you make them feel comes from how you make them heard.
Try This: A Leadership Language Audit
Want to know what kind of leader you really are?
For one week, record or take notes on your key interactions:
Team meetings
1:1s
Emails
Slack messages
Crisis moments
Then ask:
How often do I ask vs. tell?
How often do I listen vs. respond?
How often do I default to “I,” “you,” or “we”?
How do I handle conflict in my words?
Do I leave people feeling heard, inspired, or shut down?
You don’t need to overhaul your whole communication style. Start small. Swap “Why didn’t you…?” for “What was your thinking behind…?” It creates space. It builds trust. It opens minds.
Language Can Change Culture
Your language shapes your leadership—but it also shapes your culture.
Are people direct or passive-aggressive? Curious or cautious? Empowered or afraid?
Listen to how leaders talk, and you’ll know.
You can roll out all the values, mission statements, and posters you want—but if your everyday language doesn’t reflect those values, you’re building a culture of contradiction.
Want a culture of ownership? Say things like “You’ve got this,” not “Let me take care of it.”
Want a culture of innovation? Say “Let’s test it,” not “That’s not how we do things.”
Want a culture of trust? Say “I was wrong,” not “It didn’t go as planned.”
Words build cultures, not slogans.
Speak Like the Leader You Want to Be
You don’t have to be a TED Talk-level speaker to be a great leader. You just need to speak like someone who actually cares—about people, about clarity, and about growth.
The language of leadership isn’t about polish or performance. It’s about presence. Intent. Integrity.
“The art of communication is the language of leadership.” — James Humes
So listen to yourself. Adjust where needed. Because every word is either building trust—or breaking it.
And leadership? It lives in the space between the two.
What if being helpful is actually holding your team back?
We all know what a micromanager looks like.
They hover. They second-guess. They rewrite your emails, redo your slides, and remind you five times about a deadline you already set a reminder for.
Micromanagement is universally recognized as a morale killer—and thankfully, it's falling out of favor in progressive workplaces.
But lurking quietly behind it is a more subtle, more socially acceptable cousin. One that looks supportive on the surface but can be just as damaging over time.
It’s called rescue leadership.
And if you’re a high-achieving, well-meaning, emotionally intelligent leader… there’s a good chance you’re doing it.
What Is Rescue Leadership?
Rescue leadership is when a leader repeatedly steps in to save the day—not because the team is failing, but because the leader feels uncomfortable not stepping in.
It’s micromanagement in a nicer suit.
You may be guilty of rescue leadership if you:
Jump into projects the moment something gets stuck
Constantly offer to “take this off your plate” even when it’s not yours to carry
Answer questions your team could figure out
Rewrite or over-edit people’s work under the guise of “helping”
Think, “It’ll be faster if I just do it myself”
Sound familiar?
It’s not bad intentions—it’s bad boundaries.
Rescue leadership is usually driven by a mix of:
Perfectionism
Anxiety
Fear of failure (or looking like a failure)
A deep sense of responsibility
And sometimes, ego dressed up as helpfulness
You don’t want to let your team fall. But here’s the uncomfortable truth: by always catching them, they never learn how to land on their own.
The Psychology Behind Rescuing
At its core, rescue leadership is rooted in control—even if it wears the mask of kindness.
Psychologist Dr. Stephen Karpman identified a model called the Drama Triangle, which features three roles: the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer.
Rescuers feel compelled to “fix” problems for others, often without being asked. They get their sense of worth from solving and supporting, which sounds noble… but over time, it creates dependence, resentment, and burnout—both for the team and the leader.
Here’s what rescue leadership tells your team (whether you mean it or not):
“I don’t trust you to figure this out.”
“Your pace isn’t fast enough.”
“Your ideas need to be cleaned up by me.”
And here’s what it does to your team:
Lowers ownership
Undermines autonomy
Builds dependency
Erodes confidence
So while you’re trying to be the hero, you’re actually creating a team that needs constant saving.
The Consequences (That No One Tells You)
Rescue leadership creates long-term dysfunction that looks like:
Teams that can’t make decisions without you
Leaders who burn out trying to do everyone else’s job
Bottlenecks that stall innovation
Frustration masked as “gratitude” from your team
And perhaps worst of all: you miss out on the magic of seeing your people rise.
“The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things.” — Ronald Reagan
The Difference Between Helping and Rescuing
Let’s be clear—supporting your team isn’t the problem. Unconditional rescue is.
Helping Looks Like:
Coaching someone through a challenge
Asking questions instead of giving answers
Letting them take the lead, even if it’s slower than your way
Trusting that mistakes are part of mastery
Rescuing Looks Like:
Jumping in before they ask
Taking over because “you’re faster”
Fixing things behind the scenes
Shielding them from failure instead of preparing them for it
Helping empowers. Rescuing disempowers—while making you feel needed.
So Why Do Leaders Rescue?
Because it feels good. In the short term, anyway.
You feel useful.
You feel like you’re “servant leading.”
You get a hit of competence and control.
But it’s not scalable. And it’s not leadership.
Rescue leadership is reactive, not strategic. You’re constantly cleaning up or jumping in rather than building people who can stand on their own.
It’s not that you shouldn’t help—it’s that you should know when to help, and when to step back.
Reframing Your Role: From Rescuer to Real Leader
Want to break the habit? Here’s how.
No. 1 — Catch the Rescue Reflex
Notice when you feel that compulsion to “step in.” Pause. Ask:
“Am I doing this because it’s truly necessary—or because it’s familiar?”
“What will they not learn if I do this for them?”
Interrupting the reflex is half the work.
No. 2 — Start with Questions, Not Solutions
Instead of: “Let me fix that.” Try: “What have you tried so far?” Or: “What do you think is the next step?”
Your job isn’t to be the answer machine. It’s to grow thinkers, not repeaters.
No. 3 — Embrace the Messy Middle
Yes, your way may be faster. But theirs might be better—eventually.
Give people space to stumble. Growth rarely looks polished in real-time. Let them experience the discomfort of responsibility. That’s where capability is born.
No. 4 — Redefine What Support Means
Support doesn’t mean “doing it for them.” It means:
Being available.
Asking smart questions.
Clarifying the vision.
Holding them accountable.
Real support is scaffolding, not substitution.
No. 5 — Watch Your Language
Instead of “Let me handle that,” try:
“What would help you move this forward?”
“Where do you need clarity?”
“I trust you. Keep me posted.”
Words shape behavior. Use them wisely.
Lead Like a Ladder, Not a Crutch
Here’s the truth: your team doesn’t need a hero. They need a leader who builds heroes of their own.
That means letting go of the need to save. That means sitting with the discomfort of watching people struggle. That means believing in them before they believe in themselves.
Because when you stop rescuing, you start revealing something extraordinary:
Their strength. Their creativity. Their ownership. Their leadership.
“A good leader takes a little more than their share of the blame, a little less than their share of the credit.” — Arnold H. Glasow
The next time you feel the urge to swoop in, ask yourself: Am I leading… or just rescuing?